Should I spend the night with my boyfriend?

“It’s getting late. We just started the movie. I’m getting comfortable. I feel really connected to him tonight. I’m honestly not looking forward to that fifteen minute drive home. Would it be ok for me to spend the night just this once?”

This is a popular question among Christian couple: is it ok to have a sleep over? In fact, I’ve gotten it a few times from friends. Inevitable someone hears of some other Christian who presumably spent the night with the opposite sex, or at least at their home. And so they ask: “is that ok? What do you think?”

First, like most things, when it comes to relationships there is rarely a one right answer. It’s better to start by thinking through your personal goals in life and in the relationship and then match those with your personal moral standards. Also there are two big distinctions to make:

  • spending the night on your boyfriends couch (or kicking him to the couch and taking his bed) is one thing
  • spending the night with him in his closed bedroom is another.

Some people tend to be overly worried about moral issues and temptation in relationships. My response to the first situation (spending the night in the home of someone of the opposite sex without sleeping in their bed) is this: if you can’t have self-control on your boyfriend’s couch you are not ready to think about a long term relationship.

Why? When you are married you will inevitably go through times of disagreement. You may go through a time when your man is emotionally distant and not really meeting your needs. It happens in most marriages. Meet nice, charming, understanding man at work. He recognizes those needs your husband is not realizing right now. If you haven’t built a pattern of self-control and boundaries in tempting situations, you will not be able to resist when this happens. People who say they would never cheat, who judge those who do, who think they are incapable of falling, these are the ones who fall.

The second situation requires some thought on your part. First you need to decide you goals. Many girls love the idea of being a virgin. It sounds appealing in Christian circles, almost mandatory, that you be in some way a virgin. But not many girls think about what staying a virgin actually means for their lifestyle choices. In other words, it’s a nice theory, but they don’t have clear picture of what a virgin really is and how to stay/be one.

In my opinion, many women can be very strong physically until you get them to a certain point. From that point on the guy has basically complete control of where they go physically. If you are one of these women and there are certain physical boundaries you don’t want to cross, your safest bet is don’t get close.

If you are one of these kinds of girls know this: guys love girls like you. Especially respectful guys. Because they know when the time comes you will be as crazy about them as they are about you. And this will make for a great relationship.

A couple areas you should be careful about: does your boyfriend have the same standards as you? Does he respect that your standards are stricter than his? Does he value a virgin? Does he think you are too uptight and need to let loose? If not, be honest with him how you feel. Don’t break up necessarily, but maybe you shouldn’t spend the night either. Don’t drink wine late at night if it turns you on. Don’t stay so late that you’re too tired to hold your own.

Other girls have a very strong sense of their boundaries. They could make out all night long with a guy and yet as soon as the physical starts going too far they stop immediately. These girls either have a stronger self-control of their sex drive or a stronger sense of who they are and their standards than others. If you know you are one of these girls, don’t think you can’t fall. Make sure you stop at your boundary every time. But in general I wouldn’t be concerned morally about you spending the night with your boyfriend.

If you are one of these girls stay strong. But remember, if you get married sex is an important part of your relationship. So mentally, emotionally, and physically begin preparing yourself to totally let loose when you are married. Just as you would be harming your relationship to let loose now, so you will hurt your marriage to hold back later.

Also remember to be reasonable. If you get your boyfreind turned on while making out with him on his bed, don’t consider it wrong or perverted that he wants you to stay.

Remember, making good decisions about spending tonight involes three things:

  1. Know your boundaries physically
  2. Know your weak points
  3. Have a plan and stick with it

15 thoughts on “Should I spend the night with my boyfriend?

  1. Pingback: Should I spend the night with my boyfriend? « christian dating games | The Christian Dating Spot Blog

  2. I’ve been trying to think about my response for a while…and i have a million different thoughts. I used to think I would NEVER find myself needing to ask this question, that the obvious choice was just NO. But then I found there were all sorts of ways and reasons to wiggle my way into this situation and still call it harmless.

    I found myself making excuses. Like how it was SO different that since we were sleeping together on the couch. not in my bed made it better. Or that it wasn’t intentional, or even just the flat out “at least we aren’t having sex” excuses. Turns out if you’re making excuses at all thats probably a good sign. We definitely weren’t broadcasting to our small group what were were doing and had a pretty good indication of what they would say if we did.

    In the end, we just realized that in all honestly we were NOT honoring Jesus or each other. And of course there’s the “just this once” but that just turns out to make it easier to justify the next time.

    • Yes, you are right- being in a community like the small group and being open with them helps to build and grow a healthy lifestyle … And sometimes keep boundaries

  3. Pingback: What will my friends think if I sleep with my boyfriend | Christian Datin Games

  4. Pingback: But what will my friends think if I spend the night with my boyfriend? « christian dating games

  5. It doesn’t seem like the attitude that says, “It’s not a sin to do this, so let’s do it” is always the best idea, however. There are certain things that couples do that are ‘gateway’ activities. A quick peck on the lips might not be a problem, but that can easily turn into a makeout session, which can easily turn into a romp on the bed, which can turn into… well you get the idea.

    It seems as though this is a question of wisdom, rather than Scriptural law. If you know that taking a nap together, or being in the same house together in the middle of the night arouses passions, it might be the best idea to keep yourself away from temptation as much as possible.

    Not that you disagree, but that might just be a different way of saying it.

    Thanks for writing

    • I would guess you are a fan of the slippery slope argument which more or less says once you start down that slope its so slippery it is hard to stop?

      This may be so for some; however, there seems to be a overlook in Christian society of the idea of self control and boundaries.

      In other areas of our lives boundaries seem easier to keep. For example, if I normally refuse to pay more than $20 for a dinner and then one day my bill is $21 but the food was really good, will I soon start paying $22 for a bit better and then $23 and so on?

      Or what if I am driving and the speed limit is 55mph and I decide to drive 5 over as I feel it is safe and will not get me the consequence of a ticket? Does experience teach that you will slowly go faster and faster until . . .?

      What if I get married and determine that in marriage anything goes. So me and my wife have a fun fulfilling sexual relationship that involves anything a man and a woman can do. Will I eventually have to get more because that won’t be enough and perhaps experiment with bi or homosexual pleasure instead?

      In life we draw boundaries all the time. What we tolerate from friends. What we are willing to eat. How much we pay for purchases. How much time we spend in pleasure and leisure. How much time we spend working. Our values determine these boundaries. Getting close to them does not necessitate crossing them. Crossing them accidentally a bit does not necessitate gradual increase in the amount with which we cross them.

      If you know you cannot keep a boundary you have set than it might be time to reexamine that boundary or set up safe guards as you mentioned.

      I think that is a area of wisdom. Know your boundaries in all areas. If your boundary is no sex then don’t have sex. If you know you can’t spend the night without having sex don’t spend the night. However, if you know that you can. Why not?

      Thanks for the comment and for reading our material. Hope this is helpful

      James

      • Great post. I love your rationale for not focusing on the slippery slope argument. Self-control is a really important aspect, and I think many couples do not know how to handle the physical aspect.

  6. That’s a great way of saying it, John, and I think that also makes the couple really talk about what situations become traps which are too tempting and which ones are ok. Encouraging good communication and working toward the same goals, now that’s a solid relationship.

  7. I think it’s not a sin to spend the night with your significant other if you’re not engaging in sex. Yes you may be tempted because the devil is in place to do just that but we as Christians have to fight that temptation not only with sex but whatever temptation is thrown at you. Spending the night with your guy or girl doesn’t make you bad it just means you want to spend time with him or her in that setting. If you know you can’t sleep in the bed with him or her without having sex sleep on the couch, and if you can’t control yourself on the couch either and you just have to have that person in a sexual manner then spending the night with him or her isn’t a good idea for you. It’s simple as that. I personally think spending the night is good for purposes of knowing if ya’ll are compatible in cohabiting with one another. It’s like practice for once you get married. You’ll know if ya’ll will be able to stand each other while living together. It’s one thing to date but it’s a whole other thing to have to live with someone for the rest of your life and how they live irritates you. You’ll soon fall out of love with that person so why not spend the night occasionally just to see how that person lives and see if ya’ll can compromise with each other in living terms. I wouldn’t suggest this for anyone who isn’t planning to get married, if ya’ll haven’t had a serious conversation about marriage in the future then ya’ll simply just haven’t made it to that point in ya’lls relationship so I wouldn’t suggest spending the night. The reason I say this is because what if you were to spend the night and you slip and have sex with your partner, if ya’ll have no plans of marriage in the future that would be just another guy or girl to add to your list of people you’ve slept with before your husband or wife. If you already have spoken seriously about plans of marriage then this guy or girl is more than likely not gonna be on that list, they would be the only one you’ve slept with. I’m 21 soon to be 22 and I’ve had sex with one guy my whole life and we’ve spoken about marriage plenty of times just haven’t set in stone when it’s going to happen. I can truly say that I believe that this will be the only guy I’ll ever get a chance to have sexual relations with and I’m proud of that because a lot of women can’t say that. Don’t feel bad if you slip and have sex before marriage just repent and pray to God that he will deliver you from that struggle, after all most people have sex without spending the night with their partner. Sex can happen anywhere so don’t think just because you spend the night with your significant other ya’ll are bound to have sex, that’s just not so. Have boundaries that’s all there is to it! Just don’t let your spending the night turn into moving in completely because then they might lose sight of marrying you in the future because they get the same benefits of marriage without having to be married! Hope this has helped someone (:

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